


Nothing Worse

by sinister_cipher



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Cheating, Depression, Drunk Sex, Emotionally Repressed, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Relationship(s), Post-Promised Day, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Smut, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-03
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-16 03:42:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29818926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinister_cipher/pseuds/sinister_cipher
Summary: Winry, she was bitter-sweet to think about. Winry loved him, they were even meant to be married in the upcoming summer, they had a family, it was everyone's picture perfect life. But it wasn't Edward's. Edward didn't even love Winry, the only reason he was with her was because he didn't know what else to do.
Relationships: Edward Elric/Roy Mustang, Edward Elric/Winry Rockbell, Maes Hughes/Roy Mustang (mentioned)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 17





	1. Escape

**Author's Note:**

> Head's up, the Ed/Win and Hughes/Roy in this is very minimal, the main focus is gonna be of Ed's relationship with Roy. Nothing is gonna be happy though, it's all angst here.

Sitting on the roof and watching the stars was always something Edward Elric would enjoy. It gave him time to think and contemplate. Everything was so different now. Sometimes Alphonse would be up on the roof with him, but most days now, Alphonse was out by himself, exploring and doing everything he couldn't do alone before. 

Sometimes Edward felt like he'd lost a part of himself when he and Al were separated for so long. Sometimes he wondered why he was even still here, not in an existential life vs death way, but in Resembool, how had he managed to stay still for four years now. Travel had become so normal that even now, still, staying in one place for so long felt wrong, and he had to actively stop himself from unconsciously wandering into the train station whenever they walked past. 

The problem was that for the large majority of his life, Edward never cared about himself, he lived for other people, he was motivated by other people. No one needed him anymore and he didn't know what to do with himself. He never allowed himself to act for himself, never allowed himself to want anything. All his life he just did what pleased other people, and he didn't know any better. Even now, when there was no one relying on him, he still just did what he thought people wanted from him, what he thought was expected of him. Even now he couldn't bring himself to allow himself to want things.

He held his hand out in front of him and clasped them together. It was still muscle memory, he didn't think he'd ever be able to train it out of himself. His right arm would always look scrawny compared to his left, no matter how hard he tried, he'd never be able to give it the same training he had with his left. He felt like in the end he didn't even deserve to have his right arm back. 

"Ed! Come down from the roof! It's your turn to put the kids to bed, and you must be freezing!" Winry called out. She was partially right, it was winter and Ed was more than a little cold. He liked how numbing the winter cold felt though.

Winry, she was bitter-sweet to think about. Winry loved him, they were even meant to be married in the upcoming summer, they had a family, it was everyone's picture perfect life. But it wasn't Edward's. Edward didn't even love Winry, the only reason he was with her was because he didn't know what else to do. Edward was only with her because that's what he thought everyone expected him to do, he didn't know how to live for himself, so he forced himself to be with Winry. He forced himself to settle down and have a family because that's what made everyone else happy, but Edward wasn't happy.

He hesitated to climb down from the roof. When Winry realised she was pregnant the first time, Edward had mixed feelings. He didn't love Winry, he was scared of the idea of being a parent, fuck he was terrified. What if he was a failure, he couldn't handle the thought that he might end up repeating what his own shitty father did to him. He wanted to be better than Hohenheim and that was the only thing that motivated him enough to do the bare minimum. 

He really did try his best to be better than his father, but Edward was always distant. He was neglectful at first until Winry forced him into a schedule that meant every few days he was in charge of certain chores. The fact he knew he was distant made it harder, Edward hated himself for it, which just made him grow even more distant. 

Both children were conceived by accident. Edward always tried to avoid sexual relationships, the thought of them always felt wrong, especially with Winry. He didn’t love her, he felt nothing past friendship for her. Even then he questioned their friendship considering how often she got mad at him for things that didn't matter. He didn’t want to be with Winry, but what he wanted didn’t matter, he could only do what others wanted from him. It’s all he knew how to do.

When he walked back inside, Winry was waiting for him with a sour look on her face. “You’re going to catch a cold if you keep sitting out there like that.”

Edward sighed and smiled at her the best he could manage. “I know, I know, I just like the quiet.”

It wasn’t hard to tell that something was wrong with Edward, but if Winry knew she kept quiet. It was better that way, Edward remaining oblivious to Winry’s dissatisfaction with him, Edward was living his life to make her happy now and he wouldn’t be able to handle the thought that she didn’t want what Edward believed was expected of him. So he did his best to hide the fact he felt so empty inside.

“Theo is already asleep, you just have to put Alice to bed, she’s demanding you read her something. Dinner is on the table whenever you want it.” She smiled, even after everything she was still so kind to Edward, another thing he felt like he didn’t deserve.

“Thank you Win.” He leaned in and let her kiss his cheek before going into their children’s room.

When he entered the room, their daughter got overly excited, but Ed only needed to glance at her to feel like he needed to leave. He never told Winry about Nina, he didn’t want to remember the experience himself. So he couldn’t blame Winry for being unaware and putting Alice’s hair into two braids combined with her bright blue eyes would be enough to send Edward into a small shock, he didn’t even notice that she’d hit her hand against the wall by accident while she climbed into bed. He just stood there, feeling frozen. Everything felt like a blur and his head was spinning.

There was a voice, "daddy, my hand, it hurts, can you come kiss it better." It was clearly his daughter's voice, and clearly filled with childlike innocence, but it was distorted in Edward's brain. And he clung onto two words. 

It hurts. It hurts. It hurts! The phrase made Edward tremble and feel sick. Everything was just adding together and the result was a disgusting, distorted flashback to a girl he couldn't save. His breathing was short and rapid and he couldn't even feel his own heart beat anymore. 

What the hell was he thinking, he shouldn't be here. This should be his life. He didn't want this! Why the hell did he have children? They weren't safe around him, he wasn't ready to be a parent. He couldn't even save one fucking girl! How the hell could he ever think he would be able to take care of a child after. Why did he think he could do this, he couldn't! Nothing felt right, it all felt fake and empty and he hated it. Why was he still here in this house, he should have been out on a train to the middle of nowhere. Everything was wrong because he didn't know how to let himself want things, he never passed down the thing he didn't want and now look at him. He was a broken empty mess, no better than his own father. 

He ran away to the door, not even bothering to grab a coat, he just needed to escape. He didn't say anything to Winry as he left, just like always. He just ran as far as his legs would take him. His instincts took him to the train station, one of the places where he still felt safe.


	2. Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Edward's night consisted of one bad decision after another, how bad could one more be?

Train rides always gave Ed time to think, too much time to think. He didn't want to think about anything right now, he wanted his brain to be quiet for one moment. It felt like someone was trying to take a chisel to his skull and dig out his deepest insecurities, only the person responsible was himself and he wasn't ready to face his reality.

What was he doing? He didn't know anymore, he couldn't return home, he had nowhere to go. He didn't know how to live a life for himself, he couldn't accept that he wanted things, and because of that he didn't know what he wanted. 

His train took him into Central, it wasn't the worst place to be when people didn't recognise him. Years after the promised day and he still frequently had people approach him with questions for the Fullmetal Alchemist, he wasn't that person anymore. He didn't have his alchemy anymore and he'd lost part of his identity that made it hard to keep eye contact with those who were looking at him like he was a hero. Most people now would recognise him because of his hair, so before he left the station he quickly pulled it down and put it into a messy looking bun, something no one would have seen on him before.

He wandered through the streets and lost track of time. The roads were empty and the only noise came from businesses that operated during late hours, aimed at more desperate men. He didn’t really know where he was going or what street he was on, he didn’t care enough to pay attention. He just walked until his legs began to feel sore, his right leg at least. Another painful reminder of everything he wanted to forget, but he would never be free. Whether his leg was flesh or automail it would always just be another reminder. So he walked, as if after enough steps he’d be able to out run his thoughts.

He stopped outside a bar that looked warmer than some of the other establishments still open this late. It was obvious the bar was just a front for other businesses that Ed wanted to avoid, but the idea of a drink to numb his brain was hard to resist. He didn’t even know if he’d get the results he desired, but it was worth a try wasn’t it. 

Against his better judgment, he went inside, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. He started slow, it was only meant to be one or two beers, but it quickly evolved into a third, then a fourth, then he moved onto drinks that were a lot stronger. All of his thoughts about Winry, about Nina, about everything were slowly drowned out by the background noise and numbness he began to feel. Edward wasn’t a heavy drinker, his tolerance wasn’t that high, he was beginning to sit on the edge of not remembering anything at all. He was already struggling to remember what he ordered five minutes ago.

The world around him was starting to blur, he tried to ignore the man that sat down next to him. He was too close for Edward’s liking. He thought to tell the man to back off but he was too slow, and the man was the one to speak first.

“I would have never expected to find the Fullmetal Alchemist here.” Shit, why did he recognise that smug voice, and why couldn’t he place it properly.

“I’m not military anymore, and I’m not in the mood to sign your shit.” He slurred. Normally when people recognised him, he would be more friendly and welcoming, but tonight, Edward wasn’t thinking.

“Is that anyway to speak to your superior officer?” The smug voice was also slurred. Roy had also been drinking, and of course Roy would be at a venue like this.

It took Edward an embarrassing amount of time to finally realise he was talking to Roy Mustang. How long had it been since they spoke? Edward couldn’t remember clearly, but he also couldn't recall what he said to cause that response from Roy.

“My favourite bastard!” Edward tried to wave but stumbled and almost knocked over his glass.

“I’m cutting you off after that one.” The bartender called out, the only sign that Edward registered this was the fact he flipped her off.

“What are you even doing here, Edward?” Roy was a lot more composed than Edward was, he wasn’t stumbling yet and seemed to be more aware of the situation.

“Needed to get away.” Normally he would have hesitated but he was far too gone to care about his image. It was also the reason he didn’t care enough that he visibly tensed up. Tensing up conveniently saved him from falling out of his chair though.

“This place is about to close soon, do you need to be walked back to your hotel.” Roy laughed to himself, taking note of how Edward struggled to stand as an attempt to contradict him.

“I’m fine by myself, and I don’t have a hotel room.” In Ed’s clouded mind it was the world’s best comeback.

“Where are you staying then?”

“No where!” He couldn’t resist giggling at himself and his lack of a plan. It was so funny, he came out here with no idea what he was doing but it was still somehow better than being home.

"Come stay at my place then." Roy grabbed Edward's wrist and his hand was so warm. Edward felt fuzzy and wanted to be touched more, and he could blame it on the Alcohol.

Roy dragged him outside, he stumbled a little but it was nowhere near as bad as Edward's stumbling. They didn't get far before Roy was practically carrying Edward home. They were both drunk but Roy had a higher tolerance than Edward, that being said, in this state he shouldn't have been left in charge of making decisions.

He struggled to open the door and when they finally got inside, Edward stumbled on the steps inside and fell over, almost dragging Roy down with him. Roy couldn't help but laugh, when his night started out poorly, he would have never guessed it'd be ending with famed Edward Elric falling down in his home. It was a breath of fresh air.

"Laugh it up handsome bastard, not everyone's as graceful as you." Ed growled as he struggled to pull himself up to his feet. 

"What was that?" Roy held out a hand to help him, holding the door frame with the other so he didn't fall over as well.

"I said you're a handsome bastard and you always have been." Edward took his hand and made the first good decision of the night. He would cling to Roy's shoulder for all of his movement. Normally he couldn't feel his left leg, but right now he couldn't feel either, actually his whole body was numb. 

"You're not too bad yourself now that you're all grown up." They stumbled into the living room as Roy spoke. 

Edward's night consisted of one bad decision after another, how bad could one more be? As soon as he was facing Roy he took the opportunity to grab him by his collar and pull him into what had to be the messiest, sloppiest kiss of his life. Ed didn't even fully know why he did it. Did he want the experience and simply want to kiss someone or did he want Roy. His brain was cloudy and whatever the answer was, it wasn't going to present itself anything soon.

Everything moved in a blur and the next thing he was even able to comprehend was being in Roy's bed. Roy was messy and lacked care as he began to strip Edward. He pulled too hard and tore the seam that held on the right sleeve, neither of them cared though. They continued to be rough without a care for what was destroyed in the process. 

Roy may have been messy and intoxicated but he knew what he was doing. Nothing was rushed even though it felt like a blur, all the pleasure was drawn out and nothing was skipped over. 

He fingered Edward carefully, stretching him out enough before applying lube and thrusting into him. Ed didn't know what to expect from having sex with a man, his hazy mind would have never reached this conclusion. It hurt at first but then it started to feel good, really good. He wrapped his arms around Roy, focusing on their shared body heat as Roy moved slowly on top of him. 

He was moaning, loudly even, he'd never been able to do that with Winry. With her, he didn't feel anything near the amount of pleasure he was feeling now, it was amazing in every way. His senses buzzed and he craved more touch, he wanted Roy to touch him more, he wanted to feel Roy all over him. He wanted something and he wasn't ashamed to admit it. He should have drank more often before.

"Roy, please more. Fuck!" He tightened his grip on Roy, pressing closer as Roy sped up. 

Roy had the lead, but Edward wanted to take part of that, he wanted to act on his own. He started to bite at Roy's neck, sucking and leaving marks as he trailed down. Roy was so pale and sensitive, bruises showed up far too easily. 

For the first time in years, Edward felt good. He felt satisfied. Like everything he wanted and repressed was being satisfied. Maybe he wasn't the problem, maybe he wasn't so broken, maybe Winry wasn't the one he was meant to be with. For once things felt right. It's a shame he wouldn't remember anything in the morning.


	3. Morning Regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He started to sit up in an attempt to get out of the bed, that's when he noticed his lack of clothing. Holy shit this was not good, it was awful in fact.

Roy woke up before Edward, his head pounding and the previous night far too vivid in his mind. Whether he remembered or not didn't really matter though, he was smart enough to piece together the information presented to him and work out that whatever happened, he hadn't drunk enough. The worst part was the naked blond sleeping next to him.

He pulled himself up, throwing on the first pair of pants he could find, or trying to at least, the first pair of pants he found had conveniently been Edward's and there was no way that Roy would be able to fit in them. Why did Ed wear such tight pants anyway, hadn't he grown out of that by now. Roy sighed in defeat, going to his closet and pulling out something appropriate to wear for the day and going to have a shower. 

He promised himself that this wouldn't happen again. Roy promised himself he wouldn't let himself get close to another man after what happened last time. It happened frequently and Roy would always promise himself that this would be the last time, it never was, but previously the men he slept with while intoxicated were just whores, men he didn't have an emotional investment in.

This wasn't a whore though, the man waiting in his bed was Edward Elric. The Edward Elric that had worked underneath him for four long years. The man who continuously sacrificed himself over and over for his brother, for the happiness of those who surrounded him. The Edward Elric that Roy regarded as a friend. His shower didn't help his regrets, even the water felt judgemental.

He'd really made a mess of things now.

* * *

Edward woke up a few hours later, holding his head in his hands. It felt like his brain was about to explode and his leg muscles didn’t feel any better. The last thing he remembered was drinking, he guessed this is what a hangover was like. He grabbed the glass on the nightstand and took a sip as his eyes took in the room and his surroundings. This wasn't his room, or any room in his house, no need to panic there, he had caught the train into Central, but this didn't look like a hotel room either. 

The room was dark with wooden floors, there was a closet on one side of the room and a messy working desk on the other. The bed was in the centre. It didn't look trashed but it certainly wasn't tidy. Over the back of the chair was a military uniform, that's when Edward started to panic. He couldn't see the rank from here, his vision was still foggy, but whoever it was wasn't even here right now, they had to be somewhere in the house which made Edward far too aware of the noise that came from his movements.

He started to sit up in an attempt to get out of the bed, that's when he noticed his lack of clothing. Holy shit this was not good, it was awful in fact. If he was naked in some military stranger's bed there was only one thing that could have happened. Some poor girl desperate for a promotion recognised him, assumed he had influence over the military because of his fame and he was too drunk to object or think about the consequences of his actions. He really fucked up and he didn't even remember the details. 

Finding his pants was easy enough, his shirt however. Well he found it, but it was no longer in one piece, and certainly not wearable. What the hell was he meant to do now, it's not like he could just walk out and get on a train back home only half dressed, and he really didn't want to confront whoever he had slept with, it was one awkward conversation he preferred to avoid. Not like she could be much help anyway, Ed doubted she would own anything suitable for him to wear anyway, maybe he could borrow her uniform if it fit. 

He had friends in central, he knew people, he could always go to one of them. Maybe. The general was a pompous dick and a womaniser, and Havoc was a serial flirt, maybe one of them would take enough pity on him to not tell Winry. Winry, Ed had to force himself not to think about her, sure he didn't love her but he wasn't ready to accept that fact, not while sober at least. 

He kept his hair down, there was no way he was going to find his hair-tie considering how small they were, how easily Ed lost them and the fact he had no idea when or where his hair was pulled down in the first place. He tried to sneak down the stairs but he was never great at walking quietly barefoot. Where the hell were his shoes anyway? This house was a fucking maze and all Ed wanted was to get out of it without running into whoever the hell he slept with, and while we’re listing Edward’s frustrations he still didn’t understand why his ass and legs hurt so badly.

His wish to avoid whoever he slept with would go unfulfilled, but he would start to get some answers and vaguely start to remember bits of the previous night. Roy was waiting in the living room, dressed and reading a newspaper.

“Good morning Fullmetal, though it’s hardly morning anymore.” Roy didn’t need to look up to know where Ed was in the room, his footsteps made things far too obvious.

Seeing the other man’s face helped him to remember bits and pieces of last night, not a lot but enough to know what happened. He remembered Roy at the bar, falling over in the doorway, Roy on top of him, and the way he felt so good. He felt good with another man on top of him, that hazy memory felt better than anything he had gotten out of his long term relationship.

“You know I don’t own that title anymore.” Edward felt incredibly awkward, surely Roy knew what went on last night, Roy knew Edward was in a relationship, how was he so calm?   
  
“I don’t think your title is what you should worry about right now. How much do you remember?” Roy looked up to meet Edward’s eyes as Edward took a seat on the couch next to him.

Through all his hazy memories Edward just wanted to be close to Roy right now, something about that thought felt so right. He didn’t want to acknowledge or think about his current life, he wanted to feel the way he did last night, to feel like he wasn’t broken. Roy seemed to give him that feeling.

“I remember enough to feel like shit.” He may have only had a few hazy memories but it was still the truth. His head was spinning, his muscles were sore and he felt awful for how he'd cheated. He felt awful for letting himself enjoy it and for having thoughts that maybe things were better off this way.

"You should give Winry a call." Ed didn't know it yet but it was one string of words that led to disaster. Roy was so scared of getting close to another man, he felt no choice but to push Edward away.

Edward didn't say anything, he just nodded and moved to Roy's telephone. He hesitated for at least a minute, letting Roy's gaze stare into the back of his skull for too long. It wasn't judgment that Edward felt though, Roy wasn't watching him to judge him. He didn't know what he was meant to feel with Roy looking at him like this but he was scared to glance in case he met Roy's eyes and saw too much. 

He finally dialed the number and let the phone ring, but he was scared of himself.

"Rockbell Automail, how can I help you?" Winry sounded cheerful, no doubt it was an act aimed at potential customers.

"Hey, Win." Ed felt his mouth go dry as he spoke, and his hands started to tremble.

"Edward! Where the hell are you? What in the world happened?" She sounded angry underneath a layer of concern. Edward knew she was more angry than she would let him believe.

"I," he hesitated again, how exactly was he meant to explain things. He didn't want to relive those memories again and he was so scared of sharing too much and ruining things with her. "I needed to get out."

"Get out? You say that for when you go to the roof for fresh air, not when you run away without saying anything! Where in the world did you even go?" 

"I'm in central now," more hesitation as he tried to balance between what was too much and what was not enough. "Some things have come up here, I won't be home for a few days." 

He lied to her, the same way he lied every time he claimed to love her.

"I thought you were over this Ed." She sighed and carried on before giving Edward a chance to speak. "Al called earlier, he said he would be in central this afternoon, you should try and meet him, he was concerned when I told him what happened." 

That's all that should have been said, there was no need to add on anymore information, but Winry didn't know her mumbling would be picked up by the phone. "It's nice to have at least one person call me when they leave." 

The line went dead before Edward could say anything in return. Something about talking to her felt so wrong, knowing what he did and what he experienced. She would never be the same anymore. Edward didn't love her but that didn't mean he was broken. He just didn't know himself. 

He put the phone down and turned to face Roy. He wasn't sure what he was looking for, guidance maybe. This whole situation was annoying, why did he have to go out and make mistakes, why couldn’t he have just settled with being unhappy. Now he wanted to feel more, he wanted to figure out what he wanted from life. Their eyes met for a brief moment and they both seemed to understand.

"Can I borrow a shirt?" Out of all the questions Ed had to ask, that was what came out of his mouth. He couldn't bring himself to say anything else. 

* * *

Roy’s shirt was too large for Ed, they were almost the same height now but Roy was still a bit larger and taller than him. Roy muscles were much more defined for one. It looked a little strange but most people wouldn’t notice, he wouldn't be heading home yet either, he needed time alone to think and figure himself out. He couldn't do that in an environment where he already felt forced to be someone he wasn't.

He was in the process of tying his hair back up with some string Roy had lying around, it was a bit harder than normal, a shame he never found his hair tie. It all came undone when he jolted at the sound of the door knocking. Was he really that anxious about things that an ordinary noise could startle him so badly.

When Winry mentioned that Alphonse would be in central, Ed didn't actually expect to see him until he also arrived home.

"Hello General Mustang," Alphonse paused as he scanned the room and his eyes landed on Ed. He knew his brother well enough to know that shirt didn't belong to him and that his messy hair might lead to so unpleasant but unfortunately true conclusions. "Ed, I didn't expect to see you here, I thought I would visit the General while I was in Central."

Edward's mouth felt dry but he swallowed his anxieties anyway. Suddenly it was a lot harder to speak, Al knew him far too well, if he hadn't figured things out already, it wouldn't take him long. "I'm going to be in Central for a few days, how was Briggs?" 

"It was cold! I never realised how much colder it was there compared to the snow we got at home." His voice was excited but he could see the worry in Alphonse's eyes. They both knew each other too well, and they knew that neither of them would bring things up without the other telling them first. Ed was thankful Al didn't comment on his situation.

"It's nice to see you again Alphonse," Roy interrupted, saving Edward from the awkward feeling sinking in his gut. "I still can't believe you volunteered to go to Briggs during the worst of winter. Would you like to come inside for tea?"

"I was so busy until now, and I've never experienced the cold like that before," his words were a bitter reminder of how he no longer needed Edward in his life. "No thank you though, I have to get on another train soon, I just thought I'd stop to say hello on the way." 

The conversation was short and left Edward feeling empty. His brother didn't need him anymore, no one needed him. He just existed in other people's lives without purpose. He needed space to think.

He waited until he was sure Alphonse was gone, so he couldn’t see his shame as he walked out Roy's door and towards a hotel room. 


	4. Please, Stay

Hotel rooms were another thing that was too familiar to Edward. No matter where he stayed, he recognised the walls, the furniture placement. Out of all the hotels in Central, Ed had all of their rooms memorised. The only difference now was that Alphonse wasn't lurking in the corner, never sleeping and never blinking. Watching over Ed. Suddenly he felt very vulnerable.

Alphonse would be on a train home now and Edward felt like he was going to sink into the hotel sheets. Edward knew how to lie to Winry, he'd been doing it for so long it became like a second nature and she fell for it every time he whispered those three words to her. Al, however, Resembool may have been his home but he didn't live with Winry. He didn’t know her the way Ed knew her. If Winry began to ask Al too many questions that got too close to the truth, he didn't know how well Al would be able to lie for him. Hopefully they just focused on his trip.

The more Edward thought, the more confused things made him. He didn't feel anything with Winry, but with Roy he felt everything, and that was only what the hazy memories told him. The thought of sleeping with Roy again, if it wasn't for the fact he was conflicted about cheating on Winry, made him feel full, excited, fuzzy, everything that she should have felt with Winry. He wasn't in love with Roy, that was for sure, what they had was only a one night mistake. But it was a step in the right direction to not feeling broken.

Edward wasn't broken. He didn't love Winry romantically because she wasn't who Ed wanted. He was attracted to other men and slowly coming to terms with this fact. What made things really difficult was that he was engaged to Winry, she thought he loved her, and sooner or later Edward would need to confront that fact. He couldn't be happy with her, he spent so long living to please others but now he knew himself, he wanted to live for himself but he didn't know how. He didn't want to hurt Winry, but it was far too late for that.

The night was young, and Edward decided to swallow his pride. He'd already broken too many promises, what was it if he broke the same ones again. He needed to know. He needed to confirm his theory. He wanted to understand himself. He tied his hair back and started to wander the streets.

* * *

The winter was starting to end. It was still cold out however and tonight the rain would feel like ice as it attempted to coat everything. The type of night that Roy would stay inside. One of the nights where he felt so useless he couldn't fight his own demons.

He hadn't heard from Edward for just over a day. A good sign, in Roy's mind it was much better for Edward to stay away, it saved Roy the effort of pushing him back. Edward was better off staying away from him, he'd only ruin Ed's life more than he already has. Roy knew he wasn't going home soon, but at least he was keeping his distance from him.

It was 4am when there was a knock on the door. Roy was in the kitchen, he hadn't started drinking yet, but the bottle of whiskey in front of him was tempting. During the day he could normally guess who his guests would be, knowing all his team's schedules and mannerisms, he didn't know anyone who was awake at the same hours that Roy tended to enjoy. 

He hoped that whoever it was would go away if he ignored them, but they were persistent and Roy's curiosity was getting the better of him. The interaction would give him something to think about that wasn't his nightmares. He wore his gloves while he opened the door, ready for a worst case scenario. 

Standing in the rain was Edward Elric. He wasn't shocked that Edward was back at his house, as much as he wished the boy would just stay away. What shocked him was the puffy red eyes accompanying dried up tears and a large bruise to his right cheek. And the fact his hair wasn't tied up, and that his clothes were thrown on without care. What the hell was Edward doing the past day to end up like this. 

Nothing was said as Edward walked inside, past Roy as he removed his gloves. He was limping, it was obvious but what was strange was that it looked as if Edward's automail leg was the injured one. He walked back to the kitchen and poured them both a glass. 

They drank in silence, appreciating the burn. Things needed to be said though. The silence just made Roy anxious.

"What happened?" Roy asked as he prepared to pour a second glass.

“I… I don’t know how to talk about it.” There was a surprising amount of honesty that came from Ed, he was so tired of lying about every aspect of his life. “I don’t know how to accept it myself.”   
  
“Let’s make things easier then, what happened to your face?” He sipped as he waited for Ed’s answer.   
  
“Just some guy, it’s nothing to worry about.” Edward was tired of lying but it came so easily. 

“Then why did you come here?”    
  
Edward tensed up. He was so scared of admitting to himself that he was confused and didn’t know what to do. He didn’t love Winry and he couldn’t handle raising a family with her or the thought of being with her but he still wanted to try to be better than his own father but every inch of his body told him that was wrong and that he should just live how he wanted to. Edward could accept that he was gay but he didn’t know how to let himself want things.

Roy refilled Edward’s glass and pushed it closer. “Drink, it makes things easier to deal with.” 

Was he talking to Edward or himself, he wasn't sure, but Edward drank. He downed the glass quickly, quicker than Roy expected. 

"I'm gay Roy, and I. I don't know what to do about everything, about Winry." He spoke quickly like he was trying to get everything out in the air before he had the chance to second guess himself. He reached out to pour himself another glass. 

"Is that why you slept with me?" Roy drank slower, he had a feeling the rest of his morning would consist of taking care of a certain golden boy having a crisis.

"That was a mistake," Edward took another swig. Roy was relieved to know Edward felt the same way about their night together. "I didn't know what I was doing, I was trying not to think but it made me realise some things."

“So what happened for you to get hurt.” Ed had already finished his glass again by the time Roy finished speaking. It wasn’t the best idea, the stuff Roy bought was typically stronger than what they served at bars but he didn’t stop Ed from pouring another glass.

“This guy, he reeked of oil and apparently knew enough about automail to remove my leg.” He drank quickly again, finishing his glass before continuing. “He got too rough and I couldn’t fight back, my nerves still hurt from running as soon as I could attach my leg again. God I’m pathetic, I finally figured something out in my life and it gets ruined!”

Roy could only sigh. Every time he confronted his own attraction it ended in disaster, and it was looking like that was just the case for everyone. “Listen Edward, just go back to Winry, you’ll be happier. Chasing men around always just ends with someone getting hurt.”

“What if I don't want that! I don’t want to be with Winry, I can’t love her Roy!” Edward tried to reach for the bottle again but Roy pulled it back. He started this so he should stop it, Ed was already saying more than he meant. 

“What do you want then?” He finished his own glass and returned the bottle to his top shelf.

“I don’t know! How could I possibly know! Some part of my brain just won’t allow me to want things for myself, the only thing I’m good at anymore is making other people happy and even Al has run out on me. I don’t know why Winry stays with me, I’m worthless. I ran away and she should have left me the moment I did.” This was probably the most honest Roy had ever seen Edward. He was ashamed that he was the cause, that he encouraged this.

“You should go home Edward,” Roy had more to say, he needed Edward to know that it wasn’t a smart idea for him to stick around. Roy only ever ruined things, and he needed to push Edward away before things got worse, before he got attached like he always did. Edward was too quick to speak though, and not in the mood to hear Roy’s excuses.

“I can’t go home Roy. Not like this, I need time.” Roy could see the tears begin to form at the corners of Ed’s eyes. His eyes were such a pretty colour, they didn’t deserve to be clouded by tears. “Please just let me stay here for a few days, I… I don’t know who else to go to and I don’t feel safe alone.”   
  
Edward was crying in front of Roy, something Ed never let himself do. Roy had never seen him this weak, hell even Winry had never seen Edward cry before, Roy knew this was something special. He couldn’t stop himself from feeling bad for the boy, even if all of his mind begged him not to, it was just one step towards getting attached.    


“You can stay here,” against all better judgment Roy allowed Edward to stay and piece himself back together. He even let Edward hold him and cry into his shirt. The night had been a long one, and he needed to be cautious about how he navigated himself. He couldn’t risk getting attached.


	5. Comfortable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roy never allowed himself to be hopeful, that way the nightmares never surprised him. If he didn’t expect anything different, his nightmares would always be a welcome friend, and enemy.

The first day with Edward was difficult, and Roy wasn’t even around for most of it. When he had come home he found that despite placing it on the top shelf, his whiskey had been pulled down and was now almost empty and abandoned on the table. Edward was developing a bad habit that Roy was scared to see in other people. Roy knew how to control himself, Edward didn’t.

The door to the spare bedroom was locked and Ed wasn’t in any other part of the house. Roy knew he was still home because his shoes had been left at the door. He knocked lightly and waited for a response.

“Fuck off.” Was the delayed response Roy got. Not surprising.

Roy wanted to leave it at that, let Edward push him away so he didn’t need to later. Roy was worried though. He knew what it was like to go through these sorts of emotions alone, he knew how much things could hurt. Edward was a better person than he was, he deserved to have some sort of support.

“Have you eaten yet?” Something subtle, an easy conversation that could lead to Edward opening the door.

The pause was long and Roy wasn’t sure if Edward was struggling to comprehend his words or if he needed to think back to his previous actions today. He didn’t know how drunk Edward was and that was scary. 

“No,” the answer finally came. 

Roy normally didn’t enjoy cooking for himself, he never saw the point of cooking for himself. It was so much easier to walk around and grab something from whatever restaurant was open when he finally got off work. He couldn't leave the house again though, not with Edward intoxicated and suffering. 

He didn’t say anything, but Ed could probably hear his movements around the kitchen as he threw something quick together with what he had available to him. It wasn’t the best but it was better than not eating anything, and it gave Roy an excuse to enter the room. Edward didn’t need to be alone, but he wished he would have chosen someone better than Roy to turn to.

He knocked lightly again, not wanting to startle Edward. “I made you dinner, can I come in?”

There was no answer other than the sound of the door being unlocked and creaking open. Edward was sat on the floor with papers scattered around him. Roy decided to sit next to him, placing two bowls of spaghetti down in front of them. He glance at the papers, they were all torn out from a notebook and seemed to be the same, notes addressed to Winry attempting to explain the situation, all of them ending part way through, with scribbles and crossed out words. Clearly he wasn’t satisfied with the results, but Roy didn’t say anything, they just ate together in silence.

“Thank you.” It was the first thing Edward had said in what felt like hours but realistically was closer to forty minutes. 

“There’s no need to thank me.”   
  
“But you’re letting me stay here and doing things for me and I haven’t even offered anything in return.” Edward was still slurring, Roy wondered exactly how aware he was of the situation.

“You don’t need to do anything for me.” He left out the part about how he desperately wanted Edward to go home and be with Winry. Roy knew in the end, Ed would be happier that way, he was just going to be hurt more like this.

“Yes I do! That’s all I’m good at is doing things for others.” Edward was drunk enough to express his emotions without hesitation, which was probably the worst outcome for Roy.

Roy held him close, letting him start to cry on his chest. Roy always wished that someone would have held him when he felt so alone, desperate and wishing the man who didn’t love him actually did. Roy deserved to be alone now but Edward was different. He didn’t know what Edward wanted to hear but he took a guess. “You’re not worthless Edward, you don’t need to spend your life making other people happy, you’re free to do anything you want.” 

“And what if I can’t do what I want, what if I don’t know what I want?” Roy could barely understand what was being said as it was muffled by his shirt and through tears.   
  
“Then do the next best thing.” Again, Roy guessed what might make Edward feel better.

Edward didn’t respond with words, but he hesitated. Even while intoxicated this was something Edward felt the need to stop and think about, it didn’t change the fact that Edward was incredibly impulsive. He pulled Roy down and kissed him, it was soft, not the type of kiss you would give if you wanted to get someone in bed. No this was gentle, loving.

Everything in Roy’s body told him to push Edward off him, to push Edward away, but he felt so frozen and helpless. He couldn’t bring himself to move. Against his better judgment, he allowed himself to be led by Edward, and it was a path down into disaster. There was no stopping it now, he cared too much about Edward

* * *

The next few days were strange and filled with subtle glances and touched that drove Roy wild. It was never anything more than glaces and gestures. The closet they ever got was almost holding while reading on the couch together. Ed tried to hold onto Roy but didn’t realise what was happening quick enough and took his hand away to turn the page.

Edward was always the one who started things, who would start to touch Roy subtly until Roy did something about it, sometimes he would touch Edward back briefly but usually he would brush him off. He knew it was pointless, there was no stopping himself from feeling things for the boy, but maybe if he could delay Edward’s own emotions from developing, or even somehow persuade Edward to be with someone else. There was a small chance that things would be different this time, but Roy didn’t allow himself to get hopeful.

Roy never allowed himself to be hopeful, that way the nightmares never surprised him. If he didn’t expect anything different, his nightmares would always be a welcome friend, and enemy. Roy was awake again, he didn’t bother to check the time, he knew how late it was. One of the last of the winter ending storms carried on outside. No matter what Roy felt or did, the world outside him would continue to move on without him. His actions meant nothing in the grand scheme of things, and Roy preferred it this way. He never needed to worry about what would happen if he drank, so he did.

It was a bad habit, and muscle memory at this point, but he didn’t care, he could numb the world and forget his worries. Over the past few days, Roy had to develop better hiding places for his alcohol, he didn’t want to risk Edward doing something he would regret while he was away. Roy wasn’t one to start off slow after his worst nightmares, sometimes he didn’t even bother with a glass, tonight was one of those nights. He just wanted to feel numb as quickly as possible. 

He didn’t know how far he’d gotten when he heard noise from the spare room, he was numb already but he craved more. He was interrupted however, by Edward coming out of the room and looking in the refrigerator.

Edward didn’t notice Roy at first, not until he turned around with an apple already in his mouth. Eye contact lasted too long, it always did, but this time there was a slow understanding. Two people who frequently got nightmares tended to understand each other better when they were awake in the dead of night. They knew each other’s pain.

Edward had been lucky tonight, his dreams were only mild and it was easier to shift his thoughts away. The problem was that his stump was hurting far too much for him to possibly sleep.

“Bad night?” Edward already knew the answer but he didn’t want to overstep any boundaries. 

Roy simply nodded, in no mood to talk.

“I won’t be able to fall asleep anytime myself, you want the company?” 

Roy nodded again. Edward held out a hand for him to take and lead him into the living room. He wanted to light the fireplace but a little known fact about Roy Mustang’s house is that you wouldn’t find any sort of fire lighting device inside or out. Roy didn’t have any use for them. Roy seemed to understand Edward’s intentions though when he saw him kneeling beside the fireplace, he clapped then directed a small spark towards him, just enough to get something started. His aim wasn’t perfect, he barely missed hitting Edward for obvious reasons.

Ed sat down next to Roy on the couch, closer than he normally did. Edward still wouldn’t call what he felt for Roy love, but it wasn’t just a friendship anymore. It was a mutual understanding of two broken people and an appreciation of the comfort they provided to each other on the difficult nights. Roy was comfortable. 

He didn’t say anything and didn’t force Roy to talk, they sat in silence, watching the fire and enjoying each other’s company. At some point Roy had shifted to be leaning against Edward and eventually resting his head in Ed’s lap. He ran his hand through his hair, savoring the fact that he could feel every tiny sensation with his right hand again. There was no pressure, only comfort in each other. 

The sun was far from rising but morning was coming closer. Roy was just the right amount of drunk and sleep deprived to speak his mind. He spoke softly, softer than Ed had ever heard before. It was like he was mumbling, unsure if he wanted to be heard or not. “I’m scared of falling in love, Edward.”

“So am I.” He responded equally as soft, unsure if he was heard. Roy seemed to fall asleep after he spoke. Weeks of sleepless nights finally caught up with him. Ed didn’t mind even though Roy was in his lap, he didn’t have anything better to do and if he got bored there was a book within arms reach. If only Roy could see the fondness in his eyes.


	6. Home Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I need to go home. I need to be able to talk with Winry and sort things out."

Roy cared too much, he knew he was getting too close but nothing could stop him now. There was no avoiding the need to be close to Edward Elric. In some ways it was perfect, they knew each other for so long they had a silent understanding, maybe it was a new chance to finally be happy. But then his fears came true, right as he let his guard down.

"I need to go home. I need to be able to talk with Winry and sort things out." Edward had pulled Roy aside before he left for work. 

"That may be for the best." Roy gave up the idea of being with Edward quickly, he didn't have high hopes for anything and he knew this would happen eventually, but it still hurt. He felt like whenever he let his guard down something always came in to ruin it, forcing him to build walls higher than ever.

Not much else was said between them. Edward gathered his things, he didn't bring anything that couldn't fit in his pockets anyway. Roy accompanied him to the station, it was polite after all, but part of him was hoping to find the courage to ask Ed to stay. He wanted to have Edward close, if not for anything other than making the nightmares easier to deal with. 

What Roy didn't expect was that Edward hesitated to get on the train. Roy wanted Edward to stay and Edward didn't want to leave. Roy thought he audibly gasped when Edward hugged him suddenly. It was quick, he had to be so he didn't miss his train but he even kissed Roy on the cheek before running off without a word. 

Edward was here one moment and gone the next. That's how it always had been.

* * *

Trains always offered Edward time to think, and during his whole trip he dwelled on the thought that he had overstepped. He couldn't get Roy off his mind.

When Edward arrived back in Resembool, he walked home slowly. He was scared of what he might possibly see when he returned home. So he took his time, taking in far too much detail of the countryside, even stopping to pet some sheep that came up to the fence along the road home. 

He entered through the back, that was the main entrance to the home, the front half was used for the shop after all and Edward didn't want to be mistaken for a patient. He felt like there would be a much better result if he made his presence clear. His intentions paid off when Alice noticed his return, and ran up to hug him.

He had to ignore her features when he leant down to hug her back. He needed to pretend everything was normal, like nothing was bothering him. But it did bother him, he couldn’t shift his thoughts away from how similar she looked to Nina. Things weren’t normal anymore, he knew more about himself, he knew how to escape the nightmares, but he couldn’t let Winry in. He came here with the intention to fix things but he was scared of Winry.

“Ed!” There was her voice. The cause of his pain. Hearing your soon to be wife's voice should have filled Edward with joy and excitement but it only filled him with dread. 

"Hey Win," he pulled her into the hug and kissed her on the cheek. It was a simple lie that was easy to tell, it used to be that is, now he had the taste of another man on his lips, everything felt wrong when he kissed her. But he forced himself to, to keep her oblivious to the fact anything was wrong. "I'm sorry about the other day." He kept things vague while their daughter was listening.

"It's alright Edward, but can I speak with you alone." It wasn't a question, and it wasn't soft like she would lead some to believe with the tone of her voice. She used his full name, that always meant she was angry at him no matter the context it was said in.

She pulled away and leaned down to Alice’s level. How could she smile so much when she was being fueled by rage."Go run upstairs and play with Uncle Al, mommy and daddy need to have an adult talk." 

The moment Alice was gone, Winry released what had been boiling away inside her for the past week and dragged Edward into her work room. The machines she used were loud, she needed to soundproof the room as much as possible. If she yelled in here, it wouldn't be heard unless you were waiting at the door. Edward knew he was doomed when she slammed it shut.

"What the hell Edward! You can't just leave like that! Not without saying anything, God you don't even know how scared she was because of how you ran out!" She got straight to the point. Safe to say Al hadn't let his secret slip just yet.

"Look Win, I'm sorry, I really am. I wasn't thinking."

"You're full of shit Ed, you're always thinking about everything. You're going to tell me what happened and you're not allowed to avoid it this time." She had to look up to meet Edward's eyes, but that didn't stop her confidence.

"I don't want to remember it." He tried to keep his voice calm, he tried to keep himself calm but it was so difficult. 

"No! You're going to tell me, no more secrets Ed. You can't just keep everything to yourself anymore, you're already absent enough and if we don't talk you're just going to do the same thing your own father did."

"Fine!" All of his emotions that were sitting on the fence suddenly shifted to anger. "There was a girl we met, blue eyes, twin braids. Her father fused her with her dog in a desperate attempt to make a chimera. It was fucking awful and one of the most horrific things I've ever seen. You have no idea how fucking worthless I still feel because I couldn't save her, ask Al, he knows, he was there!" He summarised the parts of his memory that he could stomach.

Before Winry could even process the shock, Edward continued. "I'm going for a walk, I need space." 

He left quickly, accidentally kicking over a potted plant in their yard as he tried to run. He wouldn't have noticed it if it didn't make such a large crashing noise. He paused and kneeled down to it, putting his hands together, and nothing happened. It was foolish to think something could happen. He couldn't fix things anymore. Everything that broke was destined to remain in a pile of rubble. 

He ran into town, searching for a phone booth, he needed to make a call. When he found one, the dial tone was far too long. 

"Central Command Center, how can I help you?" The man on the other end sounded tired, like he didn’t want to be doing his job.

"I need to be transferred to General Mustang."

"Only a select few have access to the General's line. I'm sorry sir."

"Does the name Edward Elric mean anything to you." He tried not to get angry but he was impatient. He couldn't stand still for so long.

There was the sound of paper being moved, like he was flipping through a book. "Alright sir, I have permission to transfer you to the General, please wait a moment."

That moment lasted far too long.

"General Mustang speaking." The line finally picked up again.

"I need your help." He spoke quicker than normal, it was easy for Roy to pick up on his anxieties.

"Edward, is everything alright?" 

"No," he was blunt. "I can't be here, I need some excuse to come back to Central and stay for a while."

Roy was quiet for a while, humming to himself as he thought. "The military would be more than happy to take you as an alchemical theory teacher. I know you're not fond of the military but-" 

"I'll take it." Edward interrupted. What he needed was being put right in front of him, he wasn't in a position to decline, even if Roy was able to think of something else for him. "Call me at home later tonight, I can't let them know we had this conversation." 

"Of course, I'll speak with you then Edward." The phone line went dead, and just in time. As Edward stepped out he saw Alphonse walking towards him.

"Brother!" He began to run when he knew Edward had spotted him. "Who were you calling?"

"The General." There was no point in hiding it from Al. He would find out eventually.

"What happened?" 

"Winry forced me to talk about Nina," that alone was enough to make Alphonse cringe. It was a sore spot for both of them, they knew how much it hurt to remember. "She said I was no better than our own old man."

Alphonse shook his head, shifting his thoughts away. "No Ed, I mean what happened with Roy."

That was a lot harder to explain. It's not like Alphonse didn’t know so he spoke. He told Alphonse everything he could, what happened with Roy, his sexuality, his feelings for Winry. The hardest part was begging him not to tell her.  



	7. Pretty Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No matter how he phrased things, he knew he would get the same reaction from her. That was part of the problem, unless he acted and lied, Winry was never happy with him. She was only in love with her ideal version of Edward, not who he truly was.

There was an obvious tension when Edward returned home with his brother. He tried to ignore it until the phone rang. He was fidgety though and couldn’t stop himself, but he tried to suppress himself. When the phone finally rang, Winry got up to answer it first. Edward couldn’t hear the conversation from the other side of the house but he hoped that it was Roy, finally calling for him.

“Edward, the General wants to talk to you!” She called out, confirming his hopes. He rushed, almost too quickly. Shit, what would she think if she knew he was expecting this call.

“General Mustang?” It felt wrong to call Roy by his title, they had reached a point where calling the man by his first name was comfortable. There was a certain amount of pressure that accompanied his title.

“Edward! I have a proposition for you based on what we talked about last week.” It was all lies, but they both understood the fact that Edward was limited in the ways he could respond, so Roy played up the act. Roy was good at it too, he built up so many walls to protect himself, that very few people ever saw his authentic self, he was a natural when it came to lying.

“What is it then? What do you want me for?” Edward kept an eye on Winry who was watching their conversation, she couldn’t hear Roy but Ed still needed to be careful. It was a lot easier to respond like this with Roy leading the act.

“We need someone new to teach alchemical theory, with your reputation and skill, the military is basically begging to get you back.” Edward could tell Roy was grinning smugly through the phone.

"And work underneath you again?" He tried to make it sound like a joke, like he would rather do anything else. He needed to convince Winry that he wasn't just running away.

"I wouldn't have it any other way." Roy said something unexpected and the cracks in the fragile lies began to show. Edward stuttered and stumbled mentally, struggling to say anything. "Sorry, that was unprofessional of me. Would you be able to come out to Central again tomorrow to discuss further."

Since when had professionalism been a worry in their dysfunctional relationship. Even when Ed was younger, they were never professional with each other. "Sure. I can come out tomorrow, I'll speak to you then."

Edward hung up the phone before he could hear what else Roy had to say.

"What was that about? Where are you going tomorrow?" Winry was quick to interrogate him. 

"The General wants me to go teach alchemy in Central." No matter how he phrased things, he knew he would get the same reaction from her. That was part of the problem, unless he acted and lied, Winry was never happy with him. She was only in love with her ideal version of Edward, not who he truly was.

"Well doesn't the General know you have a family. You can't go! You need to stay here and actually put some effort into raising your children." She was angry and rightfully so, and Ed couldn't stand it.

"I'm going Winry. I need to do something with my life. I can't just sit here forever!" Edward hated to raise his voice around her but the cracks were growing deeper. He was reaching his limit of what he could handle. At any moment Winry could over step and break him.

"Listen to yourself Ed! You can't just run out whenever you want anymore! You hate your own father for walking out but you're just like him you know." So she did. She overstepped the line when Edward would break and came crashing down with a hammer in the process.

"Shut up!" Edward couldn't take it anymore, he couldn't handle her anger. He was trying to live a life for himself, and he tried so hard not to hurt her, but she wouldn't allow it. She was angry at Edward's desperate attempts to be himself without getting her hurt. "Being with you was a mistake okay! I tried to make this work but I need space! I'll call you when I arrive in central."

He was cold but didn't say anything as he left to pack. He ignored her cries to get his attention, and ignored Al's attempts for comfort. He just packed and left without a word, the same way he always did.

* * *

Roy wasn't home when Edward arrived at his house. He must have been working late. So he sat on the doorstep and waited with his suitcase by his side. He didn't see the point of going anywhere else right now, he just wanted to be somewhere and with someone who made him comfortable. Someone who cared about him for who he was, not just pretending to care about a lie.

Ed didn’t know how much time had passed when Roy finally arrived home, but the sun had gone down and the cold was setting in. Edward was starting to shiver. He stood up when Roy approached him.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you until tomorrow.” Roy said as he stepped around Edward to open the door. He was so close, hovering over Edward as he opened the door, something about the sight made his heart skip a beat. Then he could smell Roy, he wasn’t stumbling or slurring but Edward could smell the alcohol on him, he was grateful that it wasn’t enough to be strong but it lingered in the air. Roy was good at hiding himself in front of others but Edward could tell, Edward knew Roy because he was so close to him.

“I got into an argument and felt like I couldn’t stay.” He was honest with Roy, it felt so easy to be honest with him.

"So why are you at my door again like a lost puppy?" Roy entered his house but stood in the doorway, blocking Edward. He couldn't let Edward in, not now, not while he was like this. 

When Roy was like this, he knew he was destructive. It's all he was good for and all he wanted to do was drown himself so he couldn’t even risk a spark catching light. He didn't want Edward anywhere near him like this, he'd ruin the boy.

"I thought you were letting me stay with you, I don't exactly have anywhere else to go." There was desperation in his voice but somewhere between hearing Edward's voice and processing his words, Roy could only hear frustration.

"You'll never be happy with me Ed, just leave before I hurt you." His defenses were up harder than ever. And he was cold. "You're still better off turning to Winry and begging for forgiveness, you'll be happier than you'll ever be with any man." 

What the hell was wrong with him! After everything Ed was going through that Roy knew, he had the nerve to turn around and say something like that. Hours ago, Roy was happily lying for Ed and protecting him fondly, why did he have to be so harsh now. Why did Roy have to make things so hard, why did he make it hard to think. "You don't know anything do you!"

"I know more than you." There was a swift movement. The sound of a clap. And Roy's hand was under Edward's chin, his fingers pressed together and pointed to force Edward to meet his eyes. "Go, Edward."

"Heartless bastard." Edward mumbled as he lifted his suitcase and headed towards yet another hotel room he already knew.

Once Edward was gone, Roy closed the door and released his pent up flame into his home. He needed to face away from the door, away from Edward, he couldn't destroy that boy. For a brief moment that lasted far too long, Roy's dining table was alight.


	8. Broken Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roy looked surprised to see Edward, like he somehow expected Ed to have run away last night. Neither of them said anything until Edward had walked up and leaned against his desk.

Edward called Winry the next morning, already anticipating her negative reaction. He had promised to call as soon as his train had arrived. Just another promise broken. He wasn’t surprised by her anger.

“Edward, you told me you were going to call yesterday, why do you keep doing this? You can’t keep just saying you’re sorry then making things worse!” And she was right. Edward wanted so desperately to not hurt her, he wanted things to be alright but he kept making things worse. Edward couldn’t be himself, because who he really was only led to pain, but he was so tired of lying.

Roy was giving him a chance to be himself. Roy gave him a chance to feel comfortable. He'd repressed himself for so long, hurt himself for Winry’s happiness. So what if she got hurt a little bit, Ed was so tired of living a lie, he just wanted to be happy with himself. It was all wrong though, every inch of him screamed to take Roy's advice and just return to living for the sake of everyone else's happiness. 

It was so tempting sometimes, but the way Winry's voice evolved from soft worry to violent anger, he knew he could never go back, he could never regain that trust. 

"Something came up and I couldn’t get to a phone." How much did she know, how much had Al told her. 

"You can't keep making excuses Edward!" Winry was hostile to him, and it made him feel like even more of a failure.

He didn't even have the energy to argue with her anymore. He was so drained from everything that had happened between them. He just put the receiver down and ended the call, part of him hoped to never see her again, so he didn't have to confront his actions.

* * *

Walking into Roy's office wasn't easy, the way the man had threatened him lingered in his mind. Despite his better judgment, Roy remained some sort of comfort in Edward's mind, they just needed to work through some things. 

Roy looked surprised to see Edward, like he somehow expected Ed to have run away last night. Neither of them said anything until Edward had walked up and leaned against his desk. He never sat in Roy's presence or in his office, Edward always stood against the desk, and the habit stuck with him even with his now extra height.

"I still need this job, don't act surprised."

"You didn't take my advice." There was a little bit of joy in Roy's voice, or was Edward imagining things.

"I can't keep living a lie, I need to live for myself for once." He responded honestly, it wasn't anything Roy didn't know anyway.

"You'll be needing this back then," Roy threw something at him. Something familiar he hadn't thought about in years. "Since you sealed it alchemically we couldn't give it to someone else and we can't take it apart to recycle, so it's been sitting in my draw ever since you left." 

Edward examined his old watch, noticing all the dents and scratches it had accumulated over the years. It was dull now, it used to shine but now it was faded, similar to how Edward felt about himself. Apparently he looked confused enough for Roy to feel the need to elaborate further.

"The job is taken care of by the state alchemist department, you technically need to be one to work. You're an exception, but we still require you to carry the watch." Edward vaguely understood, he needed the watch to prove he could work if anyone asked. He couldn't help but grin.

"So where do I start." Part of him was excited, he was finally doing something useful again. He had a purpose again, he wasn't just existing as part of other's lives and never doing anything for himself. Edward needed to be busy, to be doing something in order to feel alive. But most of him saw this opportunity as a way to take his mind off everything. 

* * *

Things felt strange as they walked together towards the training theater, a large hall that was used for state alchemists to train and use during exams, it was so any damage could be easily contained and cleaned in the one room. Roy had contacted whoever Edward was going to train to meet them there but the walk was strange.

For one, everything felt painfully slow. They walked close enough for their hands to brush just long enough for awkward glances to be made but not close enough to feel each other’s warmth. Edward didn't understand why he wanted to reach out and grab Roy by the hand. Roy was a comfortable and understanding friend, nothing more. He shouldn't have been anything more than that. There was no way anything more between them could work, not with how Roy could drop everything and destroy things in an instant.

When they arrived the room was empty, so they stood and waited. They didn't say anything but the silence wasn't uncomfortable, it was understanding. Edward understood Roy didn't want to talk about the night before and Roy understood Edward's need for distraction and comfort. They didn't need to talk. Edward simply fiddled with his watch, seeing how hard it might be to pry it open without alchemy.

Their silence was interrupted by the door crashing open by a man stood in a messy salute. "Sorry I'm late General Mustang sir." Whoever this boy was he wasn't that much younger than Ed, but part of that was expected. Edward had been allowed to take an exam most people couldn't access until they were 18, when he was only 12. 

"Stand down, you're not military yet. Edward's in charge from now." Roy headed towards the exit but turned to Ed before leaving. "This is Robin, he's your responsibility now, don't break too much." 

Edward could stop himself from smiling fondly as Roy left. He gave him a distraction, a reason to feel alive again. it was sweet. When he looked at Robin though, he saw how the boy's eyes were shining brightly. 

"Yes, I am the Edward Elric if that's what you're wondering. And don't address me by any rank please." Suddenly Edward returned to being as smug as he used to be as a teenager. Something about the new interaction made him feel alive again.

"Yes sir." Robin looked confused as he stood in the doorway, just watching Edward.

Ed had positioned himself, ready for a sparring match. See, the thing was, Edward's idea of teaching alchemy wasn't the most typical. He was mimicking his old teacher who had some questionable methods. "What are you waiting for, show me what you know." 

The signal seemed to be enough for Robin to understand, and so they started to spar. It was easy enough at first, too easy for Edward in fact, he was a little out of practice but Robin didn't seem like the type who knew how to handle a hands on physical fight. Even out of practice, and with one arm being weaker than the other, Edward was able to knock Robin down to the ground.

"You can use your alchemy against me, it's what I'm here for after all." Ed extended his hand, allowing Robin to take it and pull himself up. Robin gave him a nod and they started again.

This was the type of challenge Edward loved, not too hard but he needed to put enough focus in it to not make any mistake. The kind of challenge where one mistake could be dangerous. Robin was a lot more skilled at using his alchemy in a fight, he could draw circles just as quickly as he could activate them. Even though Robin needed to take the time to draw his circles, the fight was still fair considering Edward had no access to alchemy at all. 

Edward missed this sort of rush. Being kept on his toes was so exciting, he was doing something that gave him a purpose. He got caught up in his own joy that he missed a detail, something potentially deadly. There was an array carved into the bottom of Robin's shoe that worked somewhat similar to Roy's gloves but widely different. All Robin had to do was focus his energy to his feet and he could move the ground underneath him. This was dangerous for someone who didn’t know how to control the intensity of his attacks yet, and Robin wasn’t anywhere close to being able to control his intensity. 

There was an audible stamp to the ground and suddenly Edward's leg had been sunk in a layer of concrete that began to contract, he knew it was only meant to hold him, but Robin had lost control. Thankfully it was his automail leg, things could have been a serious problem if it had been his right foot. Eventually the pressure got too much and broke his foot right off it’s joint, severing it from the leg, and crushing a few inches up his shin in the process. He had to jump off his right foot to finally separate himself from the concrete that was trying to reform into ground, he couldn't save his foot though.

"Holy shit are you okay!" Robin stopped the transmutation and ran to Edward's side, clearly worried about what he had done. 

"I'm fine, you need to learn to control the strength of your transmutation, you lose control of them too easily." Ed let himself lie on the ground, out of breath and his head spinning. At least he got out of things without being hurt, at least only his automail was broken.

His automail was broken. The realisation was like something had crept up on him slowly then hit him like a speeding train. His automail was broken and he couldn't speak to his mechanic. His heart felt like it collapsed and all he wanted to do was scream. "Can you please go get General Mustang?" 


End file.
